she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
