tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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