Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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