I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
