Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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