I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
