so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
