She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
