I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
