I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
