the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
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Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
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I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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