Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
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After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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