Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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