u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
