Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
