walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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