She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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