He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
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Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
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Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
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