I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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