Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
