There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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