how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
