I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
