I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
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Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
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barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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