last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
