I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
