i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
