Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
