I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
