didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
