Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He better not be in your backpack
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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