It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
