dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
