My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
