you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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