You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
