glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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