I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish I only lived at night.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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