the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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