I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
