Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
