When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
