If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
