i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
