I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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