Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
