Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
