so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
