If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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