If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
even my farts smell like vagina
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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