like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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