He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
