I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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