you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
