Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
