We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
