i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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