"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
