please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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