She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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